I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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