last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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