if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
