Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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