I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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