my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
