Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
