WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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