I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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