apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
