just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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