I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
