i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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