First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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