I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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