If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
