I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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