We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
