I cannot find my penis.
i was born a porn star she said
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize