Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize