my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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