One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
