Don't make out with my wife yet
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
