I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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