yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
