Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
