she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
