just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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