I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
