Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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