I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
