I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
