when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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