Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
