I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Randomize
