Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
