I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
