someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
