Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
