I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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