so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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