he told me I talked like a deaf person
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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