he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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