i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
