Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
