im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize