All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize