His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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