even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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