he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
