so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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