Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize