I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
