i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
