What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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